Back At It.

#tbt to the Holidays when my mother's inspiring speech over Christmas dinner led to a total revelation. It was so eye opening that I even had to stop chewing my turkey just to listen. A New Year brings new beginnings, right? So, henceforth, the return of the blog, and my promise to actually keep it up. 2015 is all about living to the fullest. I'm 20 years old with only three more semesters left in college. This is my time. No regrets. So bring on the dreaming, and the living !

~ ~ Since my last post ~ ~

I turned 20

Taylor Swift released 1989 (more on this later)

I found my inner journalist

Solidified friendships with some cool people

Explored more of New York City...like always

And after all this I --hopefully-- grew along the way! 

Broken Hearts and Last Goodbyes?

It hurts to think about it.

It's been two week since my father died. 

The image of that Tuesday night in the hospital room is etched into my brain. The scene is so vivid it feels like I'm reliving it frame, by frame every time I close my eyes.  I remember the nurses' faces, every detail. I can picture the sickly yellow color on the walls. I can hear the frigid silence floating within the four walls of the room. Ever since that night it has felt as if time has stopped, and every single moment of that daunting Tuesday hangs thick in the air.

I can picture my father, silent, asleep, the morphine trickling down through the IV, the oxygen from  his mask making low raspy sounds. This was the end. 

He died at 12:10 A.M. Technically Wednesday. But, rewind to twelve hours prior and I would have never imagined I'd be going to the hospital to say goodbye to my father. 

My blog speaks of living fearlessly. Except, how could I preach those words when I left that hospital early Wednesday morning so broken? I couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't sleep, couldn't even eat. 

I could not believe what had happened. It could not be real. It had to be a bad nightmare, right?

I was frozen, cold, and still am. Two weeks later I still can't sleep with the lights off.  That isn't exactly living fearlessly.

There will always be highs and lows in a person's life.  Overcome one mountain and there will be many, many more. Without strength, there is no motivation, no perseverance helping you climb up the mountain. There is nothing-ness. 

I truly believe life has the meaning we decide to thrust upon it. As much as I hate to do it, quoting the twerk princess Miley Cyrus (Circa Hannah Montana Movie)pretty much sums it up, "Ain't about how fast I get there/ Ain't about what's waiting on the other side/ it's the climb". 

It's the Journey.

As a writer, I should know this better than anyone. You can't bottle up your emotions and expect to get from one point to the other. It will only drive you towards insanity. Which is why I am releasing all of my thoughts, and doubts onto this platform because it is cathartic. Catharsis is such a beautiful term, like closure coming to terms with your demons. 

Yes, hiding everything seems like the easier option. Looking strong on the outside, but cracking on the inside. Though it creates a very promising facade, is it truly embodying strength? Masks are what ruin us.

So while I can sit in my room wearing a smile, letting out a laugh or two while racing through every season of "Awkward"; I know that inside my heart is broken. This ache is what has been preventing me from hanging out with people who are happier than me, this is my flaw. And while I can dwell on the cracks in my heart, I should also note that they are not beyond repair. 

So what's the medicine to cure a broken heart? Dessert, probably. 

But, Philosophically, love. Love from family, friends, and the love that you reciprocate.  Faith in yourself, and faith in the one you lost is a major remedy to help put back the pieces, to help figure out who you are coming out of something so tragic. 

Like the wise, and selfless Nelson Mandela stated, "The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." 

Each day since I lost my dad I've pretended I was okay. Giving everyone the same response when they asked how I was doing was my front. I would smile politely and give a small hug to anyone who came up to me and offered their condolences. I chained up my true emotions, holding back the screams in my head because I thought I had to be strong that way. I had to be strong for my brother, for my mother, I could not show my vulnerability. Then, when I was finally alone I would lie in my bed and cry, cry until I believed it was impossible to have any tears left. 

That was my fall, and now here is my rising. 

Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes we are faced with obstacles in certain times in our lives in order to find our purpose. My father taught me the importance of determination, hard work, and treating others how you expect to be treated yourself. I will never ever forget him. Which is why, my life must carry on just the way he would have wanted as if he were still living by my side.

As I wrote in my final letter to my father, I can only hope that one day I can become just as strong, humble, and as great a person as he was, and still is.

I will rise from the darkness that seems so overwhelming, and embrace the happiness that awaits me with each and every day that I triumph over my fears.

~ "I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who is not afraid, but he who conquers that fear." -- Nelson Mandela ~

~ Something short and sweet ~

There's that famous line Dumbledore tells Harry in the first installment of the series, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." The quote inspires hope, and seeing as many of us read the book when we were still in grade school, it symbolizes that fear of the dark disappears once you find the light, much like children hiding from monsters in the dark become unafraid once a light is turned on. The light brings peace, relief, tranquility, and optimism.

To me, the light is the hope at the end of the tunnel, but even in simpler terms, the light, is like a smile. No matter what the world throws at you, always remember to find a moment to smile. 

A smile is a beautiful, universal signal. It's almost contagious.

A simple smile is so important because even if it feels like everything that could possibly go wrong is in fact going wrong, once a smile breaks through your lips, or a laugh escapes your mouth, you're reminded that even in the hardest times, things will always getter better. A smile is like a spark of hope, a reminder of happiness, and the will that you can be happy even when your world is bleak. 

The Start

As sheets of rain pour down outside my window, I sit enveloped in the comfort of my blanket typing away furiously. The day's task has been editing this blog. Slaving over my computer, spending hours trying to figure out html codes on my own seemed like the hardest part, but on the contrary it was not. The most difficult challenge I encountered when creating this blog, was naming it. Seems like a simple task right? Just think of a cute, fancy, direct title and voila. But, thinking of a name for my blog felt like labeling myself, my thoughts, and my writing. The idea seemed daunting. How could I stick one title for all the different aspects of my life? Then, I thought of what my brother tells me every time he creates a new character on an RPG, "Naming my character is so hard." At the time, it seemed like a silly idea to me, just pick a name. So when I asked him why it was difficult, his response was easy: the name has to stand for, and embody so many things. I realized I was having the same exact problem with picking a name for my blog.

As the thunder's ferocious pounds continued, I pondered over what to title my blog. And then, it hit me...

Simply Fearless.

Why Fearless? Some might say it's because of my obsession with Taylor Swift. That's slightly true, but not entirely. 

It's the middle of Summer for me, the new school semester is almost right around the corner. Since the Summer began, I've had a lot of soul searching. Faced with some life changing events I never thought I would encounter so soon, life punched me in the face. With a searing pain I found myself thinking: Who am I? What do I want? What have I accomplished? As I prep myself to leave my teenage years behind in four months, I have been contemplating these questions more, and more, and more. But the more I think about it, the farther I come to reaching any possible answer. The truth is, I don't know who I am, or what I want. However, what I do know, is that fear drove itself into my life. The overwhelming amount of fear led me to doubt everything and I found myself in a very bad place where I wasn't happy. After gallons of tears escaped through my eyes, I finally woke up. If there is one thing I have learned during the Summer is that life and time IS precious. Though I've heard the expression plenty times before, I never really understood the gravity of it until a couple weeks ago. Like Sylvia Plath once said "I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again," I can't hide behind my fears, I can't close my eyes and let myself be afraid. I must confront my fears, and though it may be a struggle the journey is definitely worth it because that is what living is. Every obstacle overcome, one step at a time, allows me to conquer and live fearlessly. I don't want to end up like for Sisyphus, struggling to push his rock to the top of the mountain and never reaching it, simply watching it roll back down to the bottom. Instead, I want to hurl my  rock, my burdens to the top of that mountain and stand proud, happy, and fearless.

So welcome to Simply Fearless :)